The Calm Before a Storm

Naturally, I have not been able to bring myself to maintain this blog consistently. But that's expected, and since it's so 'me' I can't really complain, can I?

I guess I would rather appear upbeat, even to myself, and there's not much for me to write when I'm maintaining a positive attitude. In a previous blog I was able to continue writing while positive, and it was mostly random topics of thought - passing moments of philosophy. It's probably related to the phases of my life (think something like the 9 year cycle of numerology - how each year manifests your personality/life differently), or perhaps more accurately it's just related to my habits, but I don't spend a majority of my time delving deeply into topics.

At certain points in my life this certainly hasn't been the case, so it also could possibly be due to different stages in the physical development of my brain, which should have settled by now. My Introverted Thinking is my tertiary function, so it doesn't have the same kind of demand for constant deep thought as an INTP or ISTP. And that's also likely the reason I never much cared for philosophy as a subject or major area of study. I am interested in how things work, and solving complex problems, but I probably don't have the obsession or strong desire necessary to keep going on a subject indefinitely. That's probably why I'm not continuing with my studies of physics, despite having loved it so much. I seem to constantly love learning, but a whole myriad of topics, as opposed to just a focused area.

Maybe my mind is just always looking for new problems to solve, or for new connections. Being Introverted Intuitive dominant probably explains that away - the constantly desire to work out the fine details of how everything is connected. I would probably continue learning and exploring connections exclusively my entire life, and even now it's plainly obvious that I'll never have enough time to explore even the slightest bit of what I would like to. And then there's the problem of meaning - why should I keep exploring and finding new connections? It's probably merely to satiate my mind's natural desire. I certainly don't have any ambitions to speak of, and I'm not using my knowledge for any constructive purpose. I do provide some justification in that it helps me be a better friend, but I don't socialize very much, so it's not a very grand justification.

I think it's fairly funny - every time I am inspired to actually sit down and write a blog post, it is always because I want to express the emotions I am feeling. This motivation is obvious because of my Extroverted Feeling, but it's very ironic that I never end up writing about what I want. And this is because someone could actually read these words that are available publicly. It would be fine if it were anyone uninvolved, but it could prove problematic for anyone too close. (And very likely not because I have anything negative to say, but just because human relations are complex and take some careful maintenance sometimes)

But the only reason I actually write is to share with someone else. And the people I would most like to share with are those closest, or to those who would become closest. But I'm left without the ability to write about any of them, and at least some of the time the emotions concerning them are what inspires me. So I'm left rambling on endlessly in a random stream of thought, seeking new connections in my mind.

Cue unsatisfying end.

Heavy Metal Solitude

Music

It has been a long time since I have written in a blog. For three separate stretches in my life I have maintained a blog. But I have always written infrequently, and each blog never reached over 20 or so posts. Which I have always thought was rather sad, because words are the only way I have ever really expressed my self and identity with any sense of completeness.

I guess part of the reason is that I am so incredibly introverted. The desire to share myself draws a strong contrast with the requirement of being close to someone. I do not really want to share myself with anyone - only special people in my life. And even more truly, I have only ever wanted to share myself with one special person.

And that has been my only motivation to express myself through writing since the dawn of my first pieces. I have tried to record my essence in words at different stages of my life to preserve what I was like as a person, so I could share my past with my future companion. And though I have only written so very little, there are some very beautiful things living in the words of my former selves.

Even if I have not had a chance to really share them with many others, it means a lot to me to have a portal to view my previous self at differing points in time. I have changed quite a bit in a relatively short amount of time. I guess it helps that I have generally always liked myself - I have tried my very best to always be true to how I want to be throughout my life, and it has paid off well.

Taking it all into account, I believe this blog is also doomed to fade away. I have even less time than I have had at previous periods in my life, and there are so many different worthwhile things competing for my time and attention. But with a little bit of will and a decent amount of luck, I shall be able to continue placing tiny pieces of myself onto these digital pages.

I will never be a painter, so I must do my best to take the beauty in my life and express it in the way most true to me.

If anyone ever reads this, I thank you for taking the time and a few moments of your life to take a glimpse at some part of me. Maybe even one day after I am gone?